Urashima Keitaro the evil criminal mastermind
by Chris Oddland
Summary: The sequel to Urashima Keitaro Super-Villain Extraordinaire. The Ronin is back... and this time he's founded his own evil organization.


Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina, but I like using the characters for my own twisted and sick ideas. Also I don't own any Marvel-related stuff or any DC Comics-related stuff. All the songs mentioned in this fic belongs the bands that created them.

Note: Since some of you wanted a sequel. I will try to make an even more disturbing fic than before. This one's inspired by the previews of the game Evil Genius.

**WARNING**: This fic is rated S (Stupid) and II (Incredibly Idiotic) and FISNOF (Fic In Serious Need Of Flaming). This could possibly be the most demented Love Hina fic ever made.

The fic-writer will not take any responsibility should the readers get homicidal/suicidal urges by reading this rather stupid attempt of a sequel. Do not get any urges to gather in a mob armed with torches and armaments and butcher the writer in pure and savage **rage**, Please?

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Seygram13 presents: Urashima Keitaro the evil criminal Mastermind.

* * *

Like always the Ronin, also formerly known as Keitaro Urashima was having the time of his life.

The life of an infamous super-villain was the life one should follow (if you are a person who wants revenge against society and every other living being on the planet).

Keitaro wasn't prejudiced at all. He just wanted to have fun on everybody else's expense. And that involved mostly grievous bodily harm, larceny on a grand scale and total vandalism.

This time he was stealing a national treasure from the very nose of Seta. And he couldn't do a thing to him since Sarah was currently tied up and suspended from the air with a rope tied to his Tama Glider.

"That artifact belongs in a museum!"

"That must one of most cliché lines I've ever heard from you, Seta." Commented a grinning Keitaro to the man staring up to him, while holding the golden idol formed as a demonic chicken decorated with ruby eyes.

"Finally the idol of El Pollo Diablo is mine! **All mine**! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"SHUT UP, DORK!" screamed Sarah while dangling in the air.

"On the contrary, little girl, it is you who must shut up. Since I'm now getting a gradual urge to let you drop on the ground and turning you to a rather dead person. And since we're up in the air, Seta can't use his superior Jeet Kune Doo skills to apprehend and subdue me."

It had been child's play to get access into the South American country where the hidden treasure was located. The only problem was that he didn't know any Spanish or any other native language in the vicinity. Lucky for him that Seta and Sarah were also looking for the treasure, and that he got the idea to let them lead him to the treasure's location.

Sometimes the oldest tricks in the book had the charm.

While realistically enough that the temple wasn't filled with hundreds of traps, its treasure was hidden so well that you could keep looking for centuries and not find a single valuable thing.

He had heard it on the news that the accursed Tokyo University, a.k.a. Toudai had finally been rebuilt and Seta who had been unemployed for quite a time since he had been in a relationship with Keitaro's convicted aunt: Haruka Urashima, had finally managed to get an assignment as a archaeologist again.

He would probably have to blow up Toudai this time instead of reducing it to a pile of rubbles and reduce it to a big and smoking crater.

Or he could buy it up and turn it to something more humane: a school for people with study problems where the teachers should actually encourage people to feel that they are something, even if the scores weren't high and that they had the possibility of a somewhat happy future if they fought for it.

And it would also house a psychiatric clinic for students with psychological problems, helping them overcome depression and suicidal urges.

He suddenly got the urge to hum Twisted Sister's Be Chrool to your Scuel.

Back to Seta.

He had managed to find the vault that stored the idol of El Pollo Diablo, and surprisingly the vault wasn't guarded by any supernatural horrors or incredible traps o' death ™, much to Seta's disappointment.

Luckily Keitaro was here.

When Seta exited the ancient building with the idol, something crashed into him from behind and someone snatched the golden idol from his hands.

He also heard Sarah screaming (since she was tied to the glider and dragged through the rather rocky/muddy ground as he raced towards Seta).

It sounded painful, and was probably the most painful treatment you could give a sociopathic little girl with violent tendencies that could equal that of a rabid animal. She was in fact somewhat scraped up, but not in the extreme sense.

The Ronin was rather disappointed that she didn't show any signs of fear, even though he had given her a rough treatment. He rather hoped that she would be screaming her head off.

Luckily for her Keitaro suppressed the urge to throw her headfirst into a live volcano or drown her in a pool of very, very hungry piranhas.

Unluckily for her that Keitaro had more psychological tortures in mind for her.

"Bye, Seta!" He shouted laughingly while waving goodbye to him. The Tama Glider began to head towards the closest getaway path.

Too bad for Keitaro that the temple was in the way.

He crashed through the ancient ruins with incredible speed, creating several holes in the temple walls, but finally managing to find a way out of the rocky (and painful) maze by smashing through the wall on the other side and not straying from his pathway.

The reason that the Ronin, also formerly known as Keitaro Urashima the living punching bag could survive all this was that he was built like a armoured tank equipped with extra armour plates. Most conventional weapons were unable to penetrate his dense skin and it seemed that for every time he got injuries inflicted upon himself, the more resistant he would become to damage. He didn't know if he could survive the explosion and radiation of an atomic bomb, and wasn't even tempted to try to explore it.

Sarah on the other hand wasn't so lucky, since she was slammed against the various scenery as they flew/crashed through the temple. She was still alive though, even if she was battered, bleeding and not to mention very bruised.

"Brighten up, kid!" laughed Keitaro at her while racing towards his secret hideout that lay somewhere out there. "The worst thing is yet to come….."

Seta on the other hand, couldn't pursue him since:

a) Seta couldn't fly

b) He knew he couldn't fly (he wasn't stupid)

c) He most certainly couldn't follow him on foot

d) Keitaro Urashima had dumped the car into a piranha-infested lake (and Seta knew from the looks of it that the piranhas would gladly have him for dinner, even if he wasn't covered in a delicious barbecue sauce)

e) Keitaro had also called the local militia and they weren't exactly happy about the fact that someone had vandalized the historical ruins that could have attracted money-carrying tourists and stolen a national treasure. The decided to vent it all out on poor Seta by trying to fill him with lead. The sounds of assault rifles roaring and the screams of a terrified Japanese was heard around the area.

Seta did survive.

But he had to swim through the piranha-filled lake to escape the gun-toting militia. He didn't lose any limbs actually, but the bite marks were many and they had to sew several stitches in the nearest hospital. The militia on the other hand was laughing of the stupid foreigner who escaped them by daring a lake filled with very carnivorous fishes.

One of them even got it on tape since he was carrying a camera. And they earned quite a sum of money by selling it to the entertainment media. The ruined temple also became a popular tourist attraction when the footage was broadcasted around the world. They even managed to film the Ronin as he unintentionally damaged the temple.

While it was certain that his native country had labelled him as public enemy number one and the greatest enemy to the Japanese state, a lot of downtrodden males did in secret admire him for lashing out on everything and everyone he deemed responsible for the traumatizing events he went through.

Someone even made a documentary about his life behind the walls of the Hinata-sou and his background before he came to Hinata. While it was banned after its release in several counties due to the immense violence depicted in the authentic footages, many downloaded it from the internet or purchased it from the various illegal institutions around the world known as the black market (where you can buy lots of entertaining, lethal and not to mention sick stuff).

* * *

Meanwhile……

In a maximum security prison in Japan, two of the most dangerous members of the female gender were imprisoned there. (Also because it's a prison for extremely violent women too)

Motoko Aoyama: arrested for domestic abuse and attempted murder and violent behaviour.

Naru Narusegawa: arrested for domestic abuse, attempted murder and extremely violent behaviour.

Kitsune by the way was sent to another prison as well as Haruka Urashima. That was because their charges weren't as severe as that of the others, even though Haruka was charged for domestic abuse and that she had not done anything to prevent the abuse in the Hinata-sou.

Kaolla Su was deported back to her country as a reminder, since she wasn't a Japanese citizen and had to be put on trial by her own people.

"Urashima……..Urahima……..Urashima…………Urashima……….Urashima………..Urashima…….Urashima…..Urashima………..Urashima…………Urashima……….Urashima………….Urashima………….Urashima……Urashima……"

"How long has she been chanting that name?" asked the female warden assigned to guard the raving and not to mention tall kendoist.

"I don't know, Sayuri." replied Hiromi, her co-worker. "But I think that this has been going on since the day she first arrived here."

"I heard that her family disowned her, calling her insane and reckless beyond reckoning."

"You should have heard what the Narusegawas did. That was by all definitions a tad more worse than what happened to kendo-girl here."

"I take it that she chants the name 'Keitaro' over and over again."

"Something like that. I just hope that these reinforced cells can hold those two maniacs."

"And that those straitjackets last long enough." Sayuri added. "How many times did those two actually try to escape?"

Hiromi thought about it and finally answered, "Seventeen times, I think…. But I think you should ask Naoko, since she's the one who usually takes the time to actually count the times when someone usually tries to escape."

"How's your boyfriend by the way, Hiromi? That nerdy-looking guy."

"He's just fine. He's had some trouble at work since the management are forced to fire workers in the establishment he's working for, but he thinks that he's not one of those likely to lose their jobs."

"It's hard times for us average people, but at least those upstart intellectuals had to rebuild that snobversity after it was reduced to a wasted building." Sayuri sighed, remembering how she and some friends had celebrated the demise of the Tokyo University.

"With our tax money," huffed Hiromi to her. "They could have used it for something more practical, but they had to use it to rebuild Toudai!"

"I really hate those eugenics-obsessed popinjays!"

"Aren't you being a little too prejudiced today, Sayuri? Not all of them are like that."

Sayuri as a student had received some bad experience with students attending Toudai. It was the stereotypical pecking order routine where those attending prestigious universities made life hell for those less unfortunate. Luckily the man who later became her husband managed to help her overcome the traumatic events that plagued her for months, but as a result she was rather prejudiced against those she deemed as snobbish intellectuals.

And those students attending Toudai somehow mysteriously lost their study books and notes, and as a result tried to jump headfirst from the building while wearing heavy samurai armour. And meanwhile Sayuri and her husband-to-be happily stacked the books and notes into a very big pile, poured flammable liquids on top of them, and finally set it ablaze.

The Toudai students were stopped if you must know; but they had to replace the notes and books that were lost using their own money (which they had spent on other material needs). They were then forced to take part-time jobs while studying.

"Prove it!" Sayuri replied.

* * *

While the to prison wardens were starting a private debate, Motoko began to stir.

"Urashima…….."

She raised herself from her prone position on the floor.

"Urashima………."

She tightened her muscles.

"**URASHIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**!"

Her scream was heard as she ripped the straitjacket asunder. She almost looked like a raging demon from hell as she furiously looked for an escape route.

Let's just say that Motoko isn't rather sane at the time.

_The author is viciously beaten up by other Love Hina fans for his lame plot, and they stomp on him for good measure as well_

Normally this would be the part where Motoko savagely attacks and kills the guards when they enter the cell to restrain her, and afterwards helps Naru escape, and that they team up to kill Keitaro…….

But luckily Sayuri and Hiromi were prepared for such.

Especially since they were given the new (and untested) stun batons manufactured for prison guards. A cattle prod was a rather cheap toy compared to these things.

Something Motoko painfully experienced today as several volts coursed through her body, sending her twitching, scorched and unconscious on the floor.

"Wicked!" commented Hiromi, impressed by the performance of her new hardware. They could even sell them to the poor sods guarding the lunatics in Arkham Asylum.

_The Author is trashed for his anti-climatic scene and forced to take his dried frog pills._

* * *

After Namor the Sub-Mariner had clocked him straight to Tibet after the incident with the Seta-bots and that he chose to pump the muck created by the production of his automatons into the ocean, the Ronin had purchased a lone tropical island for the purpose of setting up a permanent headquarters and residence. It even came with a secret cave equipped with a mad scientist laboratory.

He never bothered with giving the island a villainous name, preferring to simply call it the "Island".

Neither did that nice German scientist who had sold him this island. He had been a rather pleasant person obsessed with developing a doomsday weapon that would give him world supremacy, but someone had offered him a job in a sitcom and the scientist would have been really insane if he had refused the offer given him.

This time Keitaro Urashima was happily subjecting Sarah MacDougal to one of the most terrible things one could do to a tiny terror like her.

Need I mention the sound-proof room where a wide-screen TV with surround system is protected by bullet-proof glass. And the fact that she's watching the show with that disgusting purple dinosaur and the horrible Tubby-things.

He happily drank his peach ice tea as he imagined how Sarah screamed in unholy terror and how she would be reduced to a human vegetable. Meanwhile Tama lay in his lap, chirping happily while helping herself to some salad that lay in a tiny bowl he held in front of her with his other hand. He never knew how his pet managed to track him down, but he knew that she must have travelled around the world in search for him. Since she found him in Hong Kong while he was planning to steal valuable items. He was just sitting there, pondering a daring but fiendish plan and then he heard a "Myuh!" that startled him. Then Tama lay in his lap, chirping happily to him. It had been a pleasant surprise to see his baby turtle again. Tama stayed in his HQ while he was away, being appointed by him to guard his bastion of **evil**. It seemed quite silly to ask a little turtle to guard the base, but he had a gut feeling that Tama would be of some help to him.

It was nice just to sit down and relax in his secret hideout instead of going out and causing mayhem and destruction. He sat down his emptied glass, beginning to stroke Tama. Tama made several happy sounds and Keitaro smiled at her.

He waited for a couple of hours and finally opened the door.

What awaited him was unexpected.

Sarah was in sitting on the couch while munching popcorn and drinking a can of coke, and she seemed to be having a good time despite the bandages covering her. She was in fact smiling and laughing.

"Hi, Keitaro! Here to enjoy watching some Lucky Luke episodes, like me?"

Somehow he had managed to insert the tape containing his favourite Lucky Luke cartoon episodes, and those ghastly tapes lay somewhere around his secret hideout. He had to find them and destroy them immediately before any serious damage could be done to his precious hideout.

He suppressed the urge to bang his head against the bullet-proof glass and sat down on the couch beside her, helping himself to some of the popcorn left. Tama joined them, choosing to sit on the left shoulder of Keitaro.

He enjoyed the times when Joe Dalton raved about how he hated Lucky Luke and the mad antics that resulted from it. And when Averell goofed up everything.

"You know, Keitaro?"

"What?"

"You're not such a dork after all."

"Thank you, Sarah-**chan**" he said to her. "Do you want to watch some MacGyver instead?"

"Would I! MacGyver's one of my favourite shows!"

"It was mine too, when I was at your age, but it's been ages since I've actually seen any episodes."

And thus Sarah MacDougal willingly joined the side of Keitaro Urashima, becoming the Ronin's protégé and partner in crime.

While it would have seemed wiser to dispose of Sarah, Keitaro discovered that she had something he rarely saw in most persons. The potential of **true** "evil".

_Evil music is played in the background_

He knew that if he could influence her, she would become a valuable asset to him. He discovered early in his former role as the landlord/frustration outlet of the dormitory that Sarah at times could act more mature than most other persons he had met in Hinata and even showed signs of a very keen mind. She was still a devious little monster though. And it was still tempting to maroon her on the surface of the Moon, or make it even better, the planet Mars.

If she tried to double-cross him, he might just do that……..

While he didn't try to brainwash or manipulate the little blonde, he did show Sarah the delights of corruption and being a very bad person with style. He did manage to convince her to get rid of the ridiculous pink cap she usually wore..

* * *

While it may have been nice to work solo in the past, Keitaro knew that it was also a tremendous advantage to work in numbers. In fact he had been feeling quite lonely, having only Tama the baby turtle to talk to.

A few days had passed since Sarah MacDougal joined forces with him.

She chose to dress herself in leather clothes similar to those he wore, but had discarded the rollerblades in favour of a jetpack equipped with missile launchers.

While she was at times uncontrollable, she had become a valuable asset to him in the short time they worked together. She was still rather impulsive and reckless, but she had learned from the previous mistakes she made.

Like the time she had tried to take on Spider-Man while they were robbing a bank in New York and as a result became quite "tangled" up. Luckily for them Doctor Octopus was on the loose in the district and the webslinger was forced to confront one of his oldest nemeses while the Ronin cut loose Sarah and then they stealthily slipped away while the two combatants battled.

Then there was that incident with Daredevil, where the Man Without Fear almost managed to capture them after a rather hard battle. Even if he and Sarah gave all that they could, Daredevil managed to evade all their attacks and dished out some heavy damage on them. He managed to down them in less than ten minutes. When it seemed that all hope was lost for the despicable super-villains, Bullseye arrived for some fun. Sarah and Keitaro managed to drag themselves from the battlefield as a new and more vicious battle raged on. It seemed that fate had something else in store for them.

Then there had been that "vacation" in Latveria, where Sarah managed to infuriate the ruler of the tiny nation: Victor Von Doom. Actually it had been a mistake when they tried to steal some of the out-dated Doombots and Sarah had accidentally re-activated no less than seventy of them. And since each of them believed that they were Dr. Doom, it resulted in a mass-destructive battle royale in the capital of Latveria when the very out of control robots fought one another.

Doom was not amused. In fact he wanted them (Keitaro and Sarah) arrested and thrown into the deepest dungeon the Latverian police could find, probably even sentence them for life. The crazed robots were dealt with and recycled to something more practical: Bicycles with the most sophisticated breaks and gears that could be acquired. They did manage to successfully escape without damage to themselves. Actually minor damage to Keitaro was inflicted when a guard shot him with an energy rifle, but since he was Keitaro, he just stood up after being felled by the blast as if nothing in particular had happened. The poor guard then died at the hands of the seemingly invulnerable man who responded by firing a lethal salvo of micro-missiles at him.

But it had been fun to rob that filthy rich billionaire in Madripoor, while evading his almost impregnable security systems and hired goons. Unfortunately they had but stolen his collection of favourite (but also rare and valuable) plush toys.

They did haul in a tremendously big ransom though. And the billionaire had even doubled the ransom when they threatened to rip of the limbs of the various plushies.

It was then Sarah came up with a brilliant idea, since she was actually rational when she wasn't acting like an immature and violent brat. The revelation occurred as they were watching episodes of Pinky and the Brain after having watched too many cliché spy movies.

To start their own **evil** criminal organization and network, hellbent on world domination and such.

"Hello, is this Evil Minions 'R' Us?" Keitaro said while holding the phone. "I want to order that evil spy organization set equipped with free-willed and reasonable personnel…."

Sarah saw her mentor getting gradually angry as the receptionist told him something he didn't like.

"What do you mean that free will and reason isn't available at all?" he screamed/roared into the receiver and slammed it hard upon the phone. "Must we do everything ourselves?" he sighed.

He was getting rather tired of the incompetence in purchasing henchmen actually possessing brains and survival instincts.

Luckily he suddenly got a very, very improvised but interesting plan that seemed to have "a million to one chance" to actually work. And since the odds are so great, it is certain to work…..

Yes, even some villains have the advantage of utilizing "the million to one chance" that always seemed to aid the meddling heroes. When a rather thoughtful and resourceful villain had discovered the terrifying power of the "million to one chance", he immediately put it to use. And by doing so, he managed to snuff out the several big-breasted macho girls with guns that seemed to have a neurotic obsession with pestering him and spoiling his devious schemes. He only had to lower his odds of success tremendously, and then he had suddenly been able to rid himself of the troublesome pests.

But the main flaw with this powerful tool was that it was rather unpredictable, and the fact that it should be used sparingly. It seemed like some unknown force was preventing all factions from abusing it to a certain degree.

Like when a protagonist had tried to take on a giant man-eating clump of radioactive chocolate pudding single-handedly, and was then eaten. Fortunately the giant pudding was stopped by the fact that "friends" of the protagonist who had in fact secretly (without the protagonist even knowing) strapped several explosives on him. They gleefully activated the detonator and sprayed the area with quite dead pieces of chocolate pudding, but sadly thereafter they died of radiation poisoning (since eating radioactive chocolate pudding is hazardous and not to mention incredibly stupid).

They didn't do it to save the day, if you want to know why they destroyed the monstrosity. They only wanted to blow something up without the authorities arresting them.

* * *

Meanwhile…..

The remaining (and alive personnel) working in Arkham Asylum in Gotham were currently going on a strike, since it was rather obvious that they were getting rather fed up with getting killed, eaten or turning stark raving bonkers. They even threatened to release the grinning prisoners if they didn't get a raise and a bigger insurance, plus free therapy.

Even Batman sympathized (secretly) with the unfortunate and underpaid workers. No one should have to put up with the likes of Scarecrow, Joker, Poison Ivy and all the rest every day…….

Unfortunately one of the guards who had in fact gone totally mad was in the process of planting several charges of Semtex and C4 around the asylum.

He giggled insanely as he pressed the button on his remote detonator…….

* * *

Keitaro was lucky that the island's former owner had also left a rather big building housed with modern medical equipment..

It was named the Clinic for Domestically Abused Men with Severe Psychological Problems; and it was the perfect front for his base of operations.

He re-opened the closed-down clinic under a forged name, and hired various medical personnel to run this joint.

Soon potential recruits from all around the world came to the island to recover from physical and psychical damage inflicted upon them by violent women.

He chose not to brainwash them, but instead offered various patients a chance to get even with everyone and everything that had caused them any kind of intentional pain by working for him. Needless to say, many of them gladly, even eagerly accepted the proposition given to them. Those who refused had their memory altered by the Hypno Ray MK I ™, forgetting the job offered and sent home again after treatment.

And thus the sinister organization K.A.P.P.A. was born.

Their goal: Take over the world, of course!

Keitaro and Sarah had unfortunately forgotten what the initials meant, so they just called it KAPPA.

_Pinky and the Brain theme is played in the background_

While KAPPA wasn't as efficient as the older evil factions, they had several advantages over most evil organizations all around the world. They were actually encouraged to think for themselves and work as a team against the various hazards that seemed to occur against all the **evil** networks that scourged the world.

Namely secret agents who somehow manage to charm/seduce/woo individuals of the opposite gender, save the day, waste the bad guys and so on……

First and foremost: while it seemed the most logical choice to capture and extract information from such spies when discovered, the wisest thing to do was actually to gun them down on sight.

Villain's first rule: Never strap the hero to a death trap of doom. It is most likely that they will escape and ruin your well-planned day and probably give you a painful death. While it is entertaining to gloat at captured enemies, you should refrain from old but traditional clichés.

But in reality a lot of people like old traditions. They were in fact fun (most of them).

That's why villains like Keitaro love to laugh evilly and loudly. Because it's one of the most loved clichés among despicable persons such as they.

While it is true that following such simple-minded thought pattern may lead to your demise at the hands of the forces of good, the good guys also suffered from such weaknesses when it came to traditions.

While the anti-heroes and anti-social heroes were a lot harder to handle than those deemed as the norm, most of them followed patterns that could be exploited. You just had to have enough information regarding them. Or defeat them with similar unorthodox methods.

Most heroes don't expect reflexive villains.

Too bad for them.

Especially since all KAPPA agents are trained in handling heroes and (_author shudders in fright)_ magical girls, the most troublesome nuisances that walked the planet.

The Ronin hated magical girls.

Especially since most of them are "dressed" as underage hookers and babble about creating a utopia where no one suffered and committing acts of senseless violence was forbidden.

Where's the fun in that?

They were a pathetic excuse for adversaries in Keitaro's opinion. And those who let themselves be humiliated and destroyed by magical girls, definitely deserved their fate.

He only deemed super-heroes as worthy adversaries. That and other normal people whose skills made them on par with the most sophisticated villains that existed.

The only thing that KAPPA feared the most was that the **Punisher** could someday appear and mow them down like domino pieces. They had heard what Frank Castle had done with that island and that little nuclear weapon used to kill everyone on it.

"Boss?" interrupted his henchman, Number 3. "Our agents have reported that they have abducted those scientists you wanted to use to build your doomsday weapon.

"Good, Number 3." The Ronin answered to his most trusted advisor while sitting in his private chair of command and stroking Tama who was lying on his lap.

Number 3 was a 33-year-old, 1,77 metres tall Caucasian male with brown hair and green eyes who had been suffering from severe domestic abuse from his very much unfaithful and manipulating wife. Since it's always stereotypical that the males should be the unfaithful and abusing spouse according to most cliché films and series, Poor Number 3 didn't dare to tell any of his friends about what was going on at home, feeling that they would mock him for it.

Too bad that he didn't know that his friends also suffered the same problem as him, and that they thought the same thought about not daring to tell the others about the terrible topic.

When Number 3 arrived on the island, Keitaro sensed a kindred soul in him, and afterwards appointed him as his most trusted advisor.

He would have named him Number 2 hadn't Sarah called dibs for that title as second in command.

The little blonde wasn't stupid and she did learn the responsibilities of leadership, but sometimes her impulsive side got the better of her. But it wasn't that much of a problem since she in a way now looked up to him more than she ever did Seta.

Keitaro was in fact Number 1, the leader and founder of KAPPA. While it was rather straining to take the mantle of leadership, it was also rather exciting and challenging. The Ronin did take his responsibilities as a leader seriously, knowing that good and "just" leadership was the way to go if one wanted to take over the world.

Soon his secret weapon would be ready.

A weapon of carnage and mass-destruction that would bring the world to its very knees before him/them.

What was it?

If I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore.

_Several Love Hina fans beat the crap out of the author for that answer_

* * *

Meanwhile…..

Now was that day of the month that Naru Narusegawa and Motoko Aoyama dreaded the most.

The thing called therapy.

"Violence is bad," said the female shrink while preparing their dose of monthly enema.

They had gotten used to the enema, but the shrink was a really scary woman, constantly babbling about seeing dead people and sometimes screaming like a cat in the oven.

It seemed like Keitaro's stepsister and various members of the Urashima family had persuaded (and bribed) the prison director to let this lunatic become their private psychologist/torturer

Fortunately for the two prisoners, they were mostly catatonic for some reason.

Could it have something to do with the thing called a very bad conscience and guilt?

Since Keitaro's rebirth as the super-villain named ironically the Ronin, they had been blamed as the main cause for his fall from grace and been arrested for abuse and attempted murder.

Shinobu even testified against them in court accompanied by Mutsumi Otohime…….and most of the people living in Hinata.

Many males from around the world were happy about the fact that the Ronin case, revealed that men could also be victims of domestic abuse dealt out by women. Now those militant feminists around the world wouldn't moan about women always being the victims of men constantly.

Some now even dared to openly reveal that they were victims of domestic abuse, and that the abuser was in fact a very violent woman.

They (Naru and Motoko) were now put in secure straitjackets and strapped to a medical table each. The psychologist was now scribbling something about summoning the _Nocturnal And Tentacled Beast From The Cosmos Who Hides Under My Bed And Formerly Known As The Great And Terrible Ding Dong_ in her notepad while babbling to them about not being violent to men, except when they were being sacrificed as virgin sacrifices to the Great Old Ones.

_Seygram13 is immediately bashed for being inspired by Ministry Agent's Tenchi Muyo fics, especially Cthulhu Muyo_

Suddenly there were several crashing sounds as the Ronin rocketed through the walls on his jet-powered (and pink) rollerblades.

"'Ello!" he said to the confused psychologist and then delivered a vicious punch to the jaw, sending her unconscious on the floor.

"Goodnight!"

He was back in the accursed country he had formerly lived in for the first time since leaving its accursed shores. He could have let his minions handle the job of capturing Naru and Motoko, but he knew what they were actually capable of and didn't want to risk any of his henchmen's lives.

"Hello, girls! Did you miss me?"

"Keitaro?"

"Urashima?"

"I take it you are surprised by the fact that I am in fact busting the both of you out of prison, even if I loathe you like one would loathe a telephone salesman phoning on a peaceful Sunday while you are in fact enjoying a great episode of the television adaption of Agatha Christie's Poirot."

Both of them looked at the former landlord/student turned criminal as if they didn't understand what he was saying.

Keitaro sighed and shook his head in utter frustration and then said, "All will be explained in due time. In fact I'm in need of your **assistance**…."

As he finished his sentence he threw a small pumpkin that looked like a miniature jack o' lantern in front of them. It spewed out a green gas that made them dizzy, and they finally blacked out after ten seconds.

Sweet dreams, you two! For true terror and **horror** is yet to come!"

* * *

_Evil music is played in the background as Keitaro laughs and gloats over his two captives_

* * *

It had been easy to transport them out of the prison since his Tama Glider was nearby, and the fact that he had tied them to said transportation device.

Hightailing it back to his base, he immediately placed them in separate cells.

They were promptly wakened with ice water from the North Pole (Keitaro himself went there with two buckets for each of them, taking several hours before he returned looking like a pet that had been put in the freezer by its naïve and not to bright owner and retrieved before it was frozen to death.)

Getting very cold water thrown in your face is not a very good thing except for waking up somebody.

"Rise and shine!" said a smiling Keitaro to them.

"Why have you brought us here, Urashima?" asked Motoko hotly, anger in her voice.

"Yeah, why have you brought us here?" Naru also asked.

"Too be blunt I'm planning on taking over the world (or completely destroy the world as we know it)……with your help!"

_Evil music explodes into a tremendous crescendo as Naru and Motoko are shocked and terrified beyond belief_

"WHAT?"

"To be precise, I am planning two things. First I will create many clones of you, who will only answer to me and my staff of head honchos, and use them as an army that will conquer the world with their inhuman display of violence and sociopathic behaviour and powers. And the second plan is even more devious, for I will strap you to various machinery that powers my almighty Hate Ray MK I ™ that will draw negative energy from your aggressive personalities and stimulate the brainwaves of those of the female gender around the globe, causing them to go on violent rampages throughout the world, if the world doesn't bow down to my infernal demands."

The KAPPA agents beside him shuddered in terror at the thought of seeing millions of women acting like Naru and Motoko on a really bad day. This diabolical plan was really **evil**.

_Several female Love Hina fans beat the author to rather bloody pulp lying there on the floor_

"My demands are simple; the first thing I want is a sixty foot tall marble statue of myself placed on a deserted island that isn't threatened by natural hazards. The second thing is that I want full political control of all the nations of the **world**!"

Naru and Motoko shuddered fright at the thought of Keitaro ruling the world. They didn't know why they shuddered, but it seemed appropriate at the time. Or perhaps it was the fact that the ice cold water were making them freeze.

"What do we have here!" said a smirking Sarah MacDougal to the two prisoners, still dressed in one of her costumes.

"Sarah!" exclaimed the two out of shock of seeing that the little yellow-haired monster had joined forces with the Ronin.

"Yes, 'tis me," Sarah said melodramatically to them, showing that she had absolutely no talent for acting, much to her chagrin. "And I've come to gloat like a mad scientist in a morgue full of preserved corpses ready for experimentation and such…..."

* * *

Meanwhile…..

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" asked one the guards his fellow guard while guarding the stereotypical unnoticed entrance where the heroes usually entered by stealth and luck (to all villain's frustrations).

"Please stop with your Monkey Island ™ quotes," the other guard complained in a slightly irritated tone.

While he enjoyed the company of this particular guard while on two-man's watch, the other guy had a irritating habit to quote sentences from various Lucasarts games, and most of them were from the old point 'n click adventure games.

"And if you ever start with that Marco Pollo gag (even if my name's not Marco), I will have to lock you in a room full of bad Elvis impersonators who will gradually (and not to mention painfully) sing you to death with their eardrum-bursting songs."

This threat shut the other guard up. Especially since-he-would-rather-not-die-such-a-painful-horrible-terrible-and-not-to-forget-very-ghastly-death.

That was when the standard-looking secret agent appeared from the ventilation shaft they were guarding. And since the guards weren't the rather stupid guards you read about in standard fics and films who-engaged-the-hero-and-died-because-the-hero-had-better-skills-in-combat……they ran away.

Yes your eyes aren't deceiving you! They simply ran from him as fast as they could, hoping that they would be fortunate to evade him and then gang up on him in numbers after they had signalled the alarm. They did use various scenery and furniture as cover while escaping (They aren't stupid), knowing that a mistake would cost them a bullet in the back.

The standard bishounen agent was so shocked that one would believe that his eyes would pop out of their sockets and the gaping jaw would detach itself as it fell to the floor. This had certainly never happened before. Usually those designated as grunts in an evil organization were rather stupid, always trying to attack him on sight. These people knew when usual clichés occurred and when to counter them. But he knew that he could stop them for he was "the ultimate super-agent" whom no man born of woman could ever defeat.

_Love Hina fans bash the author for using a Macbeth reference from William Shakespeare's Macbeth_

Swiftly he closed in on the fleeing guards with almost superhuman endurance and speed. He readied his silenced automatic pistol…..and fell into the pit full of hungry crocodile's when the floor suddenly gave in, revealing a hidden trapdoor. He screamed a rather Goofy-like scream as he fell, and the crocodile's had a rather nice meal.

Thanks, Tama-chan!" the two guards said in relief while looking at a security camera.

"Myuh!" was the happy sound coming from the nearby speaker.

Tama was in the control room, since she was responsible for the security of the secret hideout, her flippers on one of the trapdoor of doom™ buttons and her other on the speaker button. Too bad for the super-spy that she was in fact a little baby turtle who could also fly. She was glad to have saved her owner's men from death, especially since these two had been rather nice to her and fed her some exquisite salad.

"He hasn't come up yet. Probably found something interesting down there."

"Most likely he's found some obscure natural architecture to explore--like the bellies of the crocodiles'."

"I've never explored those before…. Lucky bastard."

They laughed of their sarcasm, feeling relief over escaping death once again.

It had been messier with the other incident involving those half-naked macho amazons wielding very wicked weaponry and the ray gun trap that caused all silicon in the area to become unstable and explode like enhanced pipe bombs. It was rather disgusting to have to clean up the mess afterwards, and luckily the smell went away.

* * *

Back to Naru, Motoko, Sarah and Keitaro.

The two rather violent women were now strapped to metal tables while connected to various wires that powered an enormous ray gun that would have made most mad scientists green with envy.

Keitaro and Sarah were laughing like lunatics while grooving to the sound of Ozzy Ozbourne's Bark at the Moon with the guards who liked to listen to the former Black Sabbath vocalist. Too bad for Motoko and Naru that the speakers were placed in front of the tables they were strapped in, the volume rather (and deliberately) high. He would have chosen one of Rob Zombie's most demented and sickest songs, hadn't Sarah and his minions been present. House of 1000 Corpses would have been a fitting punishment.

Of the two it was the kendoist from the Aoyama clan who suffered the most since she loathed gaijin music for some prejudiced and obscure Japanese reason. Naru also suffered greatly. She hated metal. Something Keitaro experienced early in his days as manager of the Hinata-sou when he placed an Iron Maiden CD in the living room stereo and began to groove to the sound of From Here To Eternity when she socked him out to the borders of Hinata. She also broke his poor CD in several pieces (something he never truly forgave her for). Then there was the incident where Keitaro simply listened to Cher…and Motoko attacked him for listening to corrupting foreign music (that actually wasn't metal). And he never found out the fate of his poor CD. And then there was the incident where Kitsune borrowed his Metallica CDs and he never got them back afterwards. He hoped her liver would someday burst for that. But the thought of Mitsune Konno being behind bars without access to any kind of alcoholic beverage and imagining her going quite insane, seemed like enough revenge to him…until he could plot something even more devious for the vixen-like Kitsune.

Tormenting the two of them was rather fun to the sociopathic super-villain, considering what he had gone through in the rather abusive past. The Ronin enjoyed the screams of terror (he couldn't actually hear them scream because of the volume, but he saw that they were in fact screaming their heads off) from both Naru Narusegawa and Motoko Aoyama while drinking a glass of peach ice tea with ice cubes.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The KAPPA agents present simply shrugged. True their boss was a loon from Japan (or Nippon if you prefer) with the tendency to laugh like a clown who was tired of being the laughing stock of the circus and then slaughtered the entire circus and the audience with a souped-up Matilda tank while having the time of his life, but the pay was fair and he didn't see them as expendable fodder for his cause. Most other evil masterminds had the tendency to throw away the lives of their henchmen when they ordered them to engage the protagonists. It was the standard "Kill _Insert name here_ and die a horrible death" cliché that made most henchmen go on a strike these days.

A little earlier the Ronin had extracted blood and tissue from his two captives and placed them in the placement slot in the Clone-O-Matic MK IV™ , which was a rather giant machine that resembled a grey and gigantic refrigerator that was as big as a normal house in Hinata, equipped with lots of levers and buttons and displays.

While it was tempting to conquer the world with an army consisting of clones, the Ronin decided that it was more fun to test his new giant ray gun first.

Boys and their new toys……

"Soon, it will be ready!" Keitaro giggled, "My all-powerful ray gun and my army of lethal killer clones! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! **ALL MINE!** BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Umm..boss?" a simple guard asked his leader

"Yes?" Keitaro replied.

"In case you haven't noticed….you forgot to plug in the extension cords."

Keitaro seeing that his henchman was in fact right when he saw that he in fact had forgotten to plug in both his giant ray gun and cloning device., banged his head repeatedly against the nearest wall in total frustration. Being a rather practical evil mastermind, most of his equipment required electrical outlets to work due to the simple fact that extension cords and electrical outlets weren't as hazardous as those self-powered devices that had a tendency to malfunction in some bizarre way. Like that nuclear-powered microwave oven that broke down and created an intelligent monstrosity out of the leftover dinner the Ronin had placed inside it. Fortunately both he and Sarah managed to capture it, and thereafter teleported it to Tokyo where it began it reign of terror. After devouring numerous magical girls, it exploded because of the consummation of too much positive energy (in them) that caused a magical chain reaction inside it. A whole city block was then covered with the splattered remains of something that actually looked like mutated leftovers. The cleaning job took days.

"Number Two, does Number One usually smash his head against objects when really mad?"

"Most of the time," sighed Sarah since she was used to the irrational behaviour of Keitaro.

* * *

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno didn't feel so good.

Could it be because she is in fact suffering some sort of abstinence?

That would certainly be the most likely explanation, even if Kitsune wasn't really an alcoholic in the extreme sense (most of the time). Since she was in fact in prison, she was denied the consummation of alcoholic beverage. While at first she didn't feel the least bit of abstinence, gradually it began to rear its ugly head again.

By an ironic twist of fate, Haruka Urashima had become her cellmate. And the head of the prison was too busy to re-arrange the mistake that had been made since the daily game of reverse-strip poker (where the losers in fact put on more clothes for each loss until they collapsed of heat stroke) took up most of the time.

"Booze……Sake……Beer….Wine….Ale…Whisky…."

Kitsune was sitting on her bed, a blank look in her eyes as she chanted the words over and over again, sometimes even mentioning various brands.

Haruka was really beginning to get worried. Especially since Kitsune was staring at her in a ghastly way.

"Eh, Mitsune? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Kitsune was in fact hallucinating that Haruka was a large bottle of strong sake with a head-shaped cork.

The reason for Mitsune Konno's hallucinations was in fact the result of the hallucinogenic material placed in her food by the very much mentally disturbed prison doctor (who used to work in Arkham Asylum in Gotham before the "accident" involving the Joker) who wanted to test some of the new experimental drugs taken from the Scarecrow.

"A giant bottle of sake! A sign from the gods!" Kitsune exclaimed, looking at Haruka in a very disturbing way.

"Kitsune, are you all right?"

"There is not time," Kitsune mumbled to herself, "I must drink you before the guards discover you and take you away from **me!**"

Frenzied screams erupted from the cell as Mitsune Konno tried to remove the "cork" from the "bottle" with her bare hands…….

* * *

After finally having plugged in his diabolical equipment that would herald the downfall of civilization as we know it, the Ronin sat behind one of his many desks in a black leather chair with various electronic equipment attached to both objects with Tama on his lap. Tama made several happy sounds as Keitaro stroked her caringly while slightly dozing.

"How does it feel to be used as an object for a change!" he said casually to his restrained prisoners.

Muffled responses came since he had decided to gag them with duct tape to prevent any verbal assaults from being understood from the two. It seemed that Motoko was trying to mouth "Urashima", while Naru tried to scream "Keitaro".

"The clones are ready, Master!" interrupted Sarah MacDougal.

"Ah! So the time has come!" replied Keitaro in an amused way.

The door of the Clone-O-Matic MK IV™ opened, a smoke-like substance erupted as two persons identical to the restrained and gagged Naru and Motoko stepped out.

"Master." The said as both of them knelt in front of the Ronin, who was in fact covering his eyes with his left hand. The guards also closed their eyes and covered them with one of their hands as well.

"Why are you covering your eyes?" asked the Naru-clone her creator.

"Do I have to remind you and inform you that both of you are in fact kneeling in front of me stark naked as if in a bad porn film lacking any traces of plot whatsoever! Please get some clothes for God's sake!"

He pointed towards the direction of a door with the sign "Clothes" on it. Needless to say, they opened the door ,stepped inside and closed the door behind them. Minutes later they came out wearing casual clothes. Both did in fact wear blue-coloured jeans that were cheap, reliable and sturdy compared to the expensive ones with popular labels and normal white T-Shirts. The shoes were also of fairly standard fashion.

Since KAPPA consisted mainly of males (excepting Sarah), clothes of the opposite gender were quite scarce here, and the crossdressers guarded their clothes with ferocity possessed by few, the clones had to make do with clothes that could in fact be considered Unisex clothes that both genders could wear.

"Now that you are properly dressed, I shall begin my speech. You two shall be the first officers in my army of clones, answering only to me and the rest of the staff of command. And you will lead my unbeatable army to the conquering and subjugation of the world."

"As you command, O Master of despicable evil," they responded.

"Good, Good." Keitaro said, "It seems that the few minor alterations I made upon you to ensure loyalty were pretty much successful. You have all the power and skills of the originals, but none of their antagonistic behaviour towards me."

"Is that a good thing?" asked the Motoko clone, the sarcasm as clear as the day in her voice. "I thought that was how they showed their affection towards you."

(I knew I should have ordered those fem-bots!) Keitaro thought while wishing that he never had given the clones personalities that made them rather sarcastic and sentient. But he had wanted thinking weapons. He suppressed the urge to bang his head against the nearest blunt object in the room. For he knew that he had urging matters to see to.

"Number Three, ready the broadcasting equipment!"

"Aye, aye, Number One!"

"Finally some real action!" Number Two, a.k.a. Sarah responded with eagerness in her voice .

Keitaro and Sarah sat down on chairs opposite to one another behind the desk (Keitaro had himself fetched the second chair for his protégé), Tama in the lap of Keitaro as the henchmen present in the room trained the camera at them……

* * *

Around the world various television channels were suddenly disrupted , and the Ronin and his protégé were displayed all around the world to the dismay of all the people enjoying the sports channels.

"Greetings, people of the world!" Keitaro said in several languages (since the equipment translated his words and sentences into the languages used by the majority in each country), "I am the vile Ronin and I have come with an announcement so fiendish that you will all tremble and quiver before me!"

As he finished his sentence, he began to laugh a villainous laughter in the way only a true villain would laugh.

"My demands are simple--I want all political power and control of the nations of the world. If my demands are not met, I shall unleash my most potent weapon to show you all to **fear** me! For I have constructed a weapon so fiendish that none can prevail against: The Hate Ray MK I™. It will turn all women around the world into violent, sociopathic and psychotic monstrosities that will rampage throughout the world. When I use the term monstrosities, I mean that they will be very dangerous to be around, prone to paranoid behaviour, judge beforehand without any second thoughts and cause delightful destruction on a very big scale."

"You have forty-eight hours to fulfil our demands," Sarah said. "So use them wisely if you want to live!"

The transmission ended abruptly as she finished, and the channels returned to normal as if nothing had ever happened with them.

Now people around the world wondered: Is this a threat to be taken seriously?

Some would have said yes, others no. Other people would say something akin to "How the hell should I know!"

People nowadays were used to alien invasions from God knows where and world domination attempts from various nutcases that appeared. Most people say that most of the aliens trying to conquer and subjugate the planet are in fact ruled by intergalactic drunkards who decided to bother with the tiny and insignificant mudball of a planet after some heavy drinking with the other guys.

While it did seem that it was in fact reasonable to take the threat of the Ronin seriously, people around the world were getting used to lunatics who yearned for world domination through various sick means.

And the Ronin seemed like the villain of the frustrated sort who went bananas after numerous abuse and such, craving revenge against everything deemed against him or her.

Therefore one should take him seriously for the time being.

And once more the world was threatened by a diabolical villain who seemed to spell the impending doom of all.

Now all they needed was a hero to save the day once more…..again.

Since the Ronin's broadcast was in fact untraceable (thanks to specialized technical equipment bought from retired mastermind villains), only those few who knew the exact location of his base (like the one's who sent that super-spy) could oppose KAPPA directly. That was for the time being at least.

* * *

"Are you certain that they can't trace us?"

"Yes, Number One." Answered Number Three to Keitaro (who was acting extremely paranoid, since it was normal for **evil** masterminds to be very cautious of everyone and everything). "I'm certainly positive that the equipment have been tested and proven efficient for the purpose they were meant for."

"Sorry for being such a worried bastard, Number Three, but I suddenly got a gut feeling that something that is similar to Murphy's Law will mess up my elaborate schemes."

"You always have a 'gut feeling' before something big, Number One." Interrupted Sarah in an irritated tone.

"Can I help that I'm always suffering from a little paranoia?"

"Yes!" replied both Number Two (Sarah) and Number Three in unison with gritted teeth.

"Now we just have to wait for approximately two days before firing it," Number Three said.

The Ronin smacked himself in the face. "I knew I should have tested the Hate Ray MK I™ first, or better yet, done a little demonstration of its awesome powers!"

"Pipe down, boss!" Sarah said in an understanding tone. "We all do mistakes sometimes."

But Keitaro didn't hear her as he tried to bang his head against the giant ray gun, and it took Sarah, Number Three and all the henchmen in the room to restrain him and calm him down.

"Are we caught in a madhouse?" said the Motoko clone while observing the weird happenings.

"Seems that way." sighed the Naru clone; she was tired of trying to understand the boss and his crew of odd henchmen.

* * *

Forty-seven hours later…..

Almost two days had passed since the leader of KAPPA came with his threat via television.

Unfortunately since the broadcasting equipment of KAPPA was in fact outdated, many of those bothersome protagonists with high-tech gadgets managed to track the transmission and opened numerous assaults against the KAPPA headquarters.

Too bad for those protagonists who had in fact the advantage of numerous clichés (and therefore become arrogant bastards) had forgotten one of the golden rules: Never underestimate your opponent.

Something the mecha-operating protagonists discovered when they where bombarded by EMP projectors and bombs, and reduced to rubble by Keitaro's four Mecha-Tamas.

Leonardo was turning the leader of this mecha group into something that resembled metallic Swiss cheese.

Donatello was using a large metal rod like a bo stick and smashing the smart-ass of the group repeatedly against the metallic head of his mecha.

Michelangelo was just jumping up and down….on the mecha piloted by the stereotypical do-gooder of the group.

Raphael was in the meantime busy with introducing the trigger-happy one to Mr Wall. Banging the head of a mecha repeatedly against the surface of a concrete and steel wall gave head-banging an ironic meaning.

You don't want to know what happened to the group's lone wolf/sociopath/psychopath.

"TURTLE POWER!"

"COWABUNGA!"

These shouts came from the entire KAPPA organization as they watched the numerous monitors that displayed the awesome battle. It was really something to observe how heroes got smacked around by the machines of the boss.

"Okay, guys, the show's over! Now we have to prepare for a magical girl assault from the western side of the island."

The men grinned. Few magically enhanced women and girls could stand up against point-blank submachine gun and assault rifle fire.

Then the alarm was suddenly sounded. It wasn't the normal one; it was in fact a special one meant for one particularly nasty adversary.

"PUNISHER ALERT!" came from the speaker system as Keitaro roared/screamed the ill-omened news.

While _insert name here_ super agents, _insert name here_ magical girls, and super-heroes were enough to deal with, the mention of a certain Frank Castle's name made everyone very, very afraid. Especially since the Punisher was one of the most ruthless and efficient vigilantes that ever walked the planet.

The members of KAPPA didn't want to die, and since the boss approved of running away from what one fears the most--they began to evacuate. Keitaro didn't blame them for that since he too felt the urge to run away. But unfortunately someone had to keep the Punisher busy to ensure the other's survival.

Keitaro hated his altruistic side.

* * *

While it was natural for the Punisher to go in with his guns blazing, there was one minor detail that actually ensured that there was no sound of gunfire: there was in fact no one to mow down.

Frank Castle swore heavily, he thought that he had managed to evade all the alarm systems of KAPPA.

"You'll find none to fight but me, Punisher!" a voice from one of the shadowed corridors called. "Your skill are incredible since you managed to evade all alarms but the one that scans the island of your genetic structure. Surprised? You shouldn't be since you are one of the things we in fact fears the most. Let me introduce myself., I am-"

The Ronin didn't get to finish his sentence since Punisher emptied his entire assault rifle clip on him. He fell to the ground, but rose seconds later, dusting himself.

Punisher blinked. This one had managed to survive an entire clip of high-explosive rounds.

(Not another super-villain!) he mentally complained to himself, and loaded a clip of hollow point rounds, wishing that he had procured adamantium bullets.

"It's really impolite to shoot someone who could have shot you only moments ago," chided Keitaro in an arrogant tone, raising his glove, unleashing several volleys of micro missiles.

Having survived more experienced villains than the Ronin, Punisher managed to evade the missiles by taking cover behind the nearest corridor adjacent to him, while spraying Keitaro full of hollow points.

"Is that the best you can do!" Keitaro laughed mockingly to his enemy. "Naru and Motoko could do better than you."

Keitaro would have eaten his words before dying, had the Punisher still had most of his old high-tech gear. He was lucky that Punisher only used conventional weaponry against him…….

After firing numerous bullets, throwing many grenades, rocket launchers, Keitaro was still standing and the Punisher was now out of ammunition.

Now Keitaro rook the opportunity to run away, activating his jet-thrusters and speeding down one of the many corridors in his underground lair.

He knew a "million to one" situation when he saw one. He was **evil**, but he also had that reason that most people lacked. The reason that told him constantly that there was no shame in running away. In fact by running away one could later knife the meddling heroes in the back.

He also remembered that he had ordered Number Three and Sarah to activate the self-destruct sequence and organize KAPPA's retreat while he dealt with Punisher (since he was in fact the one who actually had a chance of surviving him.)

If he remembered correctly, it was now forty-five minutes before the entire island blew up.

The hospital staff and its many patients had been evacuated several hours before the island was assaulted.

Losing the island wasn't really that heartbreaking since he had been wise enough to set up other bases around the world. He would still miss those nice sand beaches though.

(Wait a minute!) Keitaro suddenly thought. (I forgot to test my ray gun!)

Since KAPPA had to resist the assaults, he had simply forgotten to activate his Hate Ray MK I™.

And since Keitaro really wanted to see if it actually worked as it should, did a quick de-tour towards the room containing his doomsday weapon.

As he entered the room containing much arrays of technical equipment, he saw that everything seemed like it was in order.

Except for the fact that Naru and Motoko weren't strapped to the metallic tables.

Suddenly he heard a roar from behind, and he narrowly avoided a sword blow from a freed and enraged Motoko Aoyama.

"Now you will pay for your crimes, Urashima!" she screamed while brandishing one of the many katanas collected by one of his henchmen.

(I knew I should have set up rules against possession of oriental swords with Motoko as prisoner!)

A blow to his right chin sent him crashing towards a wall.

"Going somewhere, Keitaro?" Naru said sweetly while clenching and un-clenching her fists in a rather disturbing manner. "We chopped off the extension cord by the way!"

"As resourceful as ever. Eh, Narusegawa? What now? A battle to the death while the clock is 'ticking'?"

Neither Naru nor Motoko got to answer that question as the clones knocked out their respective counterparts with iron pipes.

"In the nick of time, aren't we?" the Naru clone said while smiling.

_Author gets bashed for his usual anti-climatic scenes_

"Couldn't say it any better:"

"Let's just get out of here!" grumbled the Motoko clone while she tied up Naru and Motoko. "We got your glider by the way."

"MYUH" said the metallic object as it landed in front of him.

The three began to tie the two prisoners to the Tama Glider, and as Keitaro magnetically attached himself to his vehicle.

"Watch your hands!"

"Well sorry if you haven't built something else to cling on!" replied the Motoko clone hotly as the two of them were holding onto the Ronin.

Slowly the Tama Glider began to rise, carrying all of them with ease.

Keitaro fired a salvo of micro missiles in one direction, creating a sort of improvised tunnel to the outside. The Tama Glider rocketed out of the tunnel with incredible speed with its "passengers" clinging to the one piloting it for their lives.

"This is so embarrassing!" groaned Keitaro.

"I thought most guys enjoyed having pretty girls clinging to them," said the Naru clone.

"Only if they are people who are in fact morons with NC-17 going through their heads every time they see someone they deem as attractive." corrected Keitaro. "I do have a sinister reputation to maintain, girls," he also added.

"Let's just concentrate on joining the rest of KAPPA for the moment," said the Motoko clone in a "no nonsense" tone….

* * *

Thus KAPPA was defeated by the forces of good like all evil organizations do. But mark the author's words: KAPPA will rise again to plague the world with its demented schemes.

What will happen to Naru and Motoko?

Will Keitaro actually rule the world?

Will Kaolla Su and Shinobu Maehara appear again?

What fate will befell Masayuki Haitani and Kimiaki Shirai?

When will Seygram13 actually shut up?

All this will be explained in the most horrible Love Hina fic ever written:

Urashima Keitaro and the **ATTACK OF THE 50-FOOT NARU AND MOTOKO.**

* * *

_**End song: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Alice Cooper**_

_I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing  
'Till they got a hold of me  
I opened doors for little old ladies,  
I helped the blind to see.  
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.  
They can't be seen with me and I'm getting' shot down  
And I'm feeling mean._

_No more Mister Nice Guy,  
No more Mister Clean,  
No more Mister Nice Guy  
They say he's sick, he's obscene._

_I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.  
They can't be seen with me  
And I'm feeling real shot down  
And I'm gettin' mean._

_No more Mister Nice Guy,  
No more Mister Clean,  
No More Mister Nice Guy,  
They say he's sick, he's obscene._

_My dog bit me on the leg today.  
My cat clawed my eye.  
My mom's been thrown out of the social circle,  
And dad has to hide.  
I went to church incognito.  
When everybody rose, the Revered Smith,  
He recognized me,  
Punched me in the nose._

_He said: No more Mister Nice Guy,  
No more Mister Clean,  
No more Mister Nice Guy,  
He said you're sick, you're obscene._

Author's Notes:

* * *

Like always Seygram13 had a tendency to irritate the wrong kind of people: Very crossed Love Hina fans who deemed this work of total lunacy as a fic gone quite out of the writer's control.

This time they weren't trying to hang him.

This time they opted for burning him at the stake, Giordano Bruno style. Which means that he was gagged and bound so that he couldn't sprout any more gibberish while burning like a torch in the night. This gave "flaming" a new perspective at least. Or maybe it was a twisted renewal of what the Inquisition did to people who wrote or said things they didn't like.

"Farewell, heretic. Know that you will not be missed at all."

This was the same leader of the former mob who so recently had tried to lynch him for writing his previous work of total blasphemy. While he himself also judged his work as demented beyond all human conception, he also wanted to amuse himself by exposing his twisted sense of humour to the outside world.

It seemed like a good idea at the time…

There he was bound, gagged and ready to burn like a warlock. He was now feeling very sorry for himself, wishing that someone would please put the other people out of their misery so that he could escape and gloat over his getaway while running like a headless chicken on speed.

He enjoyed the El Pollo Diablo reference, having played the Curse of Monkey Island™ and the rest of the Monkey Island™ series. If only he had the opportunity to add a rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle-gag or any other point 'n' click adventure references. He also had a small reference to the film The Sixth Sense.

"Do not think that anyone can save you, heathen. For we have installed a new fourth wall that is almost impossible to breach! You will burn like the venomous cur you are!" proclaimed the leader to his not so innocent victim.

Seygram13 ignored him while pondering what would happen if Rogue ever tried to touch Keitaro. Would Keitaro's invulnerability be added to the invulnerability Rogue had absorbed from Ms. Marvel? What would happen if she ever touched Xellos and absorbed his powers and memories. The prospect of Rogue quoting "That's a secret!" or "Sore Wa Himitsu Desu!" seemed quite amusing. It was more horrible imagining Rogue absorbing Lina Inverse's personality and powers. Or what about Rogue absorbing Ranma Saotome's psyche and powers.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

The scream of the angry leader broke him out of his daydreams/thoughts, and he thought that he saw the leader frothing like a man who had lost his mind after watching some ugly, slimy and tentacled thing crawling out of the stew pot from which he had eaten from. A stew pot with the large engravings "**Used for summoning of cosmic horrors from beyond the cosmos. Do not use as a kitchen utensil!**" that was bought from a scavenger who salvaged stuff from the ruins of a base housing the stereotypical idiotic adversaries that the even more annoying magical girls fought and after several meaningless episodes and dialogues managed to destroy.

Since Seygram13 was unable to talk (due to the metal gag), he just glared at the figure parading in front of him, trying to break free from the ropes that restrained him.

Since the fic-writer didn't possess muscles that rivalled those of Conan the Barbarian, he remained tied to the post.

This seemed like the end of the mad fic-writer Seygram 13.

(At least those gits didn't get the notion of throwing me into the Pit of Self-Insertion.) He thought, feeling that it was more preferable to burn like a human torch at the Colosseum in ancient Rome.

A little….

Somewhere in the far corners of his mind he could hear/remember the lyrics of Disco Inferno. Burn, Baby, Burn seemed like a quite ironic end to him.

He remembered the day how he and another unfortunate fellow almost got lynched by angry Love Hina fans and extremist Archangel/Psylocke fans who wanted to lynch the other guy for having a neutral Psylocke pairing view, and how they escaped and that he was flattened by a falling cow Earthworm Jim style.

The cow was fortunately unharmed.

The same couldn't be said about Seygram13, since he broke the cow's fall. And the fact that the cow fell on him, giving him several fractures and broke him.

And the same couldn't also be said about the falling cute otter who hit the head of a rabid male Archangel fan with a sickening splat, killing the otter and spraying otter body parts all over the unconscious and concussioned man.

Poetic justice, since most enviromental people want to save the cute animals, and allow other people make food and clothes out of the unfortunate animals deemed as ugly by most people.

Seygram13 was a hypocrite, pure and simple. He was even sincere about it. As much as he liked to eat beef, pork and chicken, he really hated greater hypocrites who most of all only wanted to preserve the "pretty" animals, birds, plants and so on….

And people who dissed fantasy authors because they didn't write "Tolkien" enough.

Seygram 13 preferred David and Leigh Eddings and the Elric of Melniboné stories written by Michael Moorcock and wasn't scared to admit it at least. And Terry Pratchett. He enjoyed reading about Discworld.

Unfortunately for him, there were also many extremist LOTR fans who hated people who spoke out against them, and where in fact among the people who thought that Seygram13 had been a very naughty person, and therefore should burn like the rotten bastard he was. They caught him reading Moorcock's essay "Epic Pooh".

Let's just say that they were very displeased with that.

"Burn him!"

"Aye! Burn the heretic!"

"Let him burn!"

"Burn him!"

"Burn him!"

"Burn him!"

If the fic-writers mouth hadn't been covered with a metal, gag, he would in fact have said very, very insulting sentences, comments and remarks to the blood-crazed, chanting mob.

He couldn't, and would probably have wet his pants, hadn't he recently been using the toilet before he got captured.

Suddenly before the leader could declare that the flaming "barbecue" could begin, something black and shiny flashed from the sky and imbedded itself in the post where Seygram13 was tied, severing the ropes which restrained him.

It was a black sword, decorated with runes. And Seygram13 turned quite pale as he removed the gag.

"Master?"

"Don't you 'Master' me, you little ungrateful tit!" moaned/snarled Stormbringer at him. "You left me in the chest of that bloody Drizzt Do' Urden wannabe carrying vorpal ultra katanas of extremely bloody death and dismembering and dumped me and the corpse in a live volcano!"

"I also dropped those katanas after you," added the panicked fic-writer.

"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHILE I AM SPEAKING TO YOU!"

Ever since Elric of Melniboné had perished, the Black Sword had been looking for a new owner, and since most Elric fans knew that it was in fact the Runeblade who was the master and not the owner, they didn't even dare to tread two kilometres near it. It had no choice but to make do with the pathetic Seygram13 (who when encountering the Black Blade, fell on his knees, grovelling and begging the sword not to kill him and devour his measly soul. He even swore an oath to serve the sword as long as it didn't make him kill the few friends he had. It seemed for some reason that the sword didn't want to eat the souls of his friends…yet). He used Stormbringer to mostly kill munchkin elves (with fake Japanese names) wielding katanas and various oriental weaponry. And Harry Potter wannabes, whom he destroyed with great pleasure.

"How did you pierce that fourth wall?" asked Seygram13.

"Not your bloody business, my stupid excuse for a henchman/wielder. Now pick me up…and let us start some senseless carnage."

"Must I say those words?" he complained. He felt that he wasn't worthy of quoting Elric.

"**Any more complaints?**"

Seygram13 gulped and reluctantly grasped the sword in his left hand, supporting it with his right.

"The heretic is escaping! **KILL** HIM!" the leader screamed as several people drew their weapons.

"Blood and souls!" Seygram13 cried out. "Blood and souls for my lord Arioch!"

And the battle began…..

* * *

After killing many cheap Battousai imitators (most of them elven) and other victims in the Black Sword's path, letting Stormbringer suck up their souls, the mob suddenly decided that it was better to leave the area. As swiftly as possible.

Especially since they were pursued by an insane lunatic (who was also a demented fic-writer) wielding an even insaner black sword that was in fact moaning.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Blood and souls! Blood and souls! Blood and souls! Arioch! Arioch! Blood and souls for my lord Arioch! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

It seemed that the few traces of sanity left in Seygram 13 had gone on an extended vacation to the South Pole.

Luckily something divine decided that enough was enough, and let the earth swallow up the crazed lunatic and the soul-hungry sword for the blasphemy he had written.

And once more the world became a peaceful and happy place……

* * *

Note: This fic is definitely worth a great deal of flaming! So flame on!

* * *

I don't hate Tolkien. In fact I find his books entertaining to read and they do have interesting details. But I get tired of having Tolkien dominate the high fantasy genre. It gets quite boring and repetitive when people compare other author's works to those of Tolkien and people trying to imitate Tolkien's writing style. It is then nice to counter it with the dark fantasy genre. But then again, Star Wars also dominates the genre it's placed in as well.

I don't really have anything against Harry Potter, but the concept of a magical school like Hogwarts doesn't really fit my rather bad and twisted taste. Blame it on reading to many Conan the Barbarian and Savage Sword of Conan comics when it comes to the consequences of delving in the secrets that man was not meant to know. That and the fact that my little brother sometimes tries to force me into reading the books or watching the movie adaptions of Harry Potter. Ironically I prefer the Unseen University of Discworld. When it come to magical institutions. (I really am hypocrite).

Nuke Hogwarts to a smoking crater I say.

IGNORE THE FIC-WRITER NOW SINCE HE IS RAVING AGAIN.

Being a former AD&D 2nd edition player, I have a lot of grudges against players who choose to play super-elves that overshadow other player characters that aren't _long eared freaks_. That and the anachronistic fact that said players wield powerful oriental weaponry like no-dachis, even if they aren't playing elves at the moment. Katanas are wicked but overrated too much in books, movies, animes and so on. If I ever roleplay again, I'll probably choose to play a dwarf, orc or a half-orc when it comes to non-human races, 'cause elven PCs dominate too much in my prejudiced opinion. That's one of the reasons I really liked Terry Pratchett's Discworld novel Lords and Ladies. But then again, my favourite elves are from Richard and Wendy Pini's Elfquest. The Wolfriders rock in my opinion.


End file.
